Volume II: Eyes Open
by VioletHills
Summary: Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to begin. Follows Tryst.  Post Countdown.
1. You're All I Have

**Eyes Open**

_A/N: Hey, look at that! The long-awaited sequel to _Tryst_ that I had promised! Sorry for the delay but I only recently got re-inspired._

_NOTES: This basically takes off from **Countdown**, except in my universe, I've already had Beckett break up with Josh. And Castle and Beckett have more baggage (see Volume I)._

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**You're All I Have**

.

The door opens.

"What were you going to say?" Kate blurts out.

Castle is standing in the doorway, surprised yet not surprised to find her standing on the other side of his threshold. "What?" he asks dumbly.

"At the precinct. Before we got interrupted. You were going to say something." She steps into his apartment and he eases the door shut behind her. "'_I was thinking maybe…'_ 'Maybe' what, Castle?"

He sighs and takes a step back from her. "You don't want to do this, Kate."

"Don't want to do what?" she challenges back.

This isn't fair to him. She knows that. Ever since she called off… whatever it is they had been doing, he had been respectful to the point that everything seemed to have returned to normal. At least until her mother's case resurfaced. That first kiss had been his idea but the second had been hers.

Now, three near-death experiences later and she can no longer tell which way is up. She remembers telling him, months ago, that she can't imagine him as her boyfriend because he isn't reliable in relationships but that statement no longer seems accurate. When he tells her '_always'_, she knows he means it.

And right now, when the fear of ice and clocks makes her unable to rest, there he remains: solid and alive and always there for her.

"This has been one hell of a day," he says and then pauses because he knows why she came over – hell, if they hadn't been interrupted, he would have _told _her to come home with him. His eyes turn pleading, "I'm trying really hard here, Kate."

This is the unfair part. She holds all the cards but she has no idea what she wants to do with them. Still, it's been one _hell_ of a day. She steps forward. "Maybe I don't want you to try so hard," she says. She tilts her head up in order to speak softly against his ear, "I still feel so cold, Castle—" her voice drops to a whisper "—please… warm me up."

The fireplace is on in the living room. That's where they start removing their clothes. And it's underneath all the blankets and comforters that Castle had curled himself in before she had knocked that the two of them start to regenerate heat.

The weight of his body on hers, the way his hands know just where to touch – that all feels the same but something is off. Different. When he brings his lips down to meet hers tenderly, she knows what it is. The gasp of realisation makes him pull away but she shakes her head and arches her body up to urge him on.

Her body is buzzing but her brain is spinning. The difference is that this is no longer just sex tempered with confused emotions and his eager attempts at winning her over—

She moans when his fingers slide into her, his thumb gently flicking her clit so that she opens up more for him.

–this has become, in just a few short months, not just passion but devotion and there's only one outcome to be had from that sort of attachment…

Kate squeezes her eyes shut at that moment, choosing to wrap her arms around Castle's neck in order to kiss him fiercely. She doesn't want to _think_ anymore. About anything.

His lips start to move across her cheek and down her neck even as his fingers continue to push deeper into her, curling them until he finds—

Now her gasp is one of pleasure. "Castle," she breathes out.

His fingers continue their exploration, hitting that spot over and over until she's crying out for release. But she's so tense and still so scared that it doesn't come the way she needs it to. He pulls out of her and she whimpers.

"Ssh," he whispers, pressing his lips against her forehead. "Everything's okay now, Kate. _We're _okay now."

They lie still for a while. The only movements being the series of light kisses they exchange every few seconds. Their limbs are tangled together and when she's ready, she snakes a hand down between their bodies in order to stroke him hard and position him at her entrance.

His eyes watch hers carefully as he slides slowly into her heat, stopping to let her adjust to him. "Are you okay?" he asks her once he feels himself surrounded completely by her body.

She nods and gives him a small smile. "I've missed you," she says in a voice so low that it can barely be heard.

He starts to move slowly above her. "You have no idea how much _I've_ missed _you_," he replies.

Now her smile is impish. "Why don't you show me."

She only catches a glimpse of his grin before his mouth latches onto her nipple, teasing and sucking first one, then the other. She wraps one of her legs around him and he takes that as permission to thrust harder, a sensation that makes her moan and her body burn.

"Are you hot now?" he says in gasps as he pumps into her faster.

She can no longer answer him. Her body is lifting and riding with him and when he sees she's close, he whispers, "Come for me, Kate."

"I—" she's gasping and her whole body is flushed.

"You can." He's sucking at her pulse point and nibbling her ear. And then, with a hard kiss to her lips, he opens his mouth on an inhale. "I love you," he says.

It's the surprise more than anything that makes her tense up, that gives her that one last push needed to bring them both to orgasm.

She shudders against his body afterwards. He's turned them so that she is tucked firmly against his chest on her side. He kisses her temple and brushes back some of her matted hair. She's quiet. Her eyes are closed. Her breaths, even.

"You know how I feel about you," he says softly against her ear.

She hears him but she's not as brave. So, she says instead: "I miss you when you're not around."

* * *

_A/N: Honestly, from this point forward, I don't think you have to have read _Tryst _(I mean, some of the references and actions between characters might make more sense if you _did_ but I like options as a reader…) Anyway, this chapter is kind of like the happy ending that I didn't give them in Volume I but as it is a separate story, there will be more drama and angst if you decide to follow me down this path! :) Oh, and whereas _Separation Anxiety _is where my innocent fluff goes to party, this story will definitely be my smut playground… See? Fun for all ages! ;)_


	2. Hands Open

**Hands Open**

.

Sometime during the night, they had managed to migrate up to his bedroom.

And Kate had stayed the night. Out of her own volition.

To say that Castle had been happy about this development would have been an understatement.

.

Kate wakes up buried under a mass of blankets and covers. He's already awake beside her, reading a book his publisher had wanted him to review.

"How are you?" he asks when her green eyes blink open and meet his.

"Warm," she answers.

"Too warm?"

She smiles ironically. "I'll never be too warm ever again."

"Fair enough." He bends down to kiss her and she lets him.

"I have the day off," she says when he sits back up.

He knows what her implication is even without her hands travelling up his thighs under the sheets. He desperately wants her to spend the day with him but he's not going to make this easy for her. He's not going to provide her with an easy way out. If she wants to be with him – even for just today – she has to say it. Waiting for his initiation is her way of keeping one foot out the door: later on, it will allow her to say she had just been going along with it, that she hadn't wanted to be with him as much as he had wanted to be with her.

He waits. Doesn't say anything even as she makes him so completely aroused. Finally, he catches her wrist. It makes her sit up in bed and stare at him.

His eyes plead with hers, _just tell me what you want, _he wants to say. _I would do anything for you if you could only say the words._

"I guess I should go home," she says, extracting her hand from his. "I'm still really tired."

Castle nods. "Right."

"Can I—" she gestures towards his bathroom.

"Of course."

Minutes later, he hears the whirring of his toothbrush and the taps being turned on and off. He dresses while he waits for her to finish and then, feeling the chill, thinks better of it and crawls back beneath the covers.

He's forgotten that he had texted his mother and Alexis last night, telling them that it would be safe to return to the city whenever they wanted, until he hears the front door open and close.

The quick patter of feet that could only belong to his daughter gets louder and… "Dad!" she exclaims, bursting through the door and running up to give him a hug, "I'm so glad you're alright."

"I am absolutely, a hundred percent alright," he says with a smile.

Alexis sits down on the edge of his bed. "Grams and I were so wor—"

The door to his bathroom opens about a second before he has time to warn Kate or prepare Alexis.

"Kate!" Alexis says in surprise.

Kate is, at least, properly dressed but Alexis – now that she has had time to notice the state of her dad's room and acknowledge the look on their faces – is under no delusion as to what had happened between them.

Of course Martha, with her perfect timing, decides to show up at that very moment. "Richard…" she starts, "…and Kate! What a pleasant surprise!"

Kate is clearly not enjoying the current situation. "Martha, Alexis, I am so sorry—"

"—For what, dear?" Martha cuts in. She gestures to her granddaughter, "Alexis, come on. Let's give your dad and Kate some space."

"Oh." Alexis nods, still unsure about what to think, "Yeah, sure."

"No," Kate says, "It's okay, you guys don't have to go. I was just about to leave."

"Nonsense!" says Martha, "Stay for brunch, at least. We need to get some food in you!"

Kate exchanges a look with Alexis. Having the girl find her so unexpectedly in her father's room could potentially destroy any relationship that had been built between them. "Alexis…" Kate says, tone questioning.

There is a momentary lapse into silence while Alexis looks between Kate and Castle. But then, she smiles and Kate inwardly releases a sigh of relief.

"Please stay, Kate," Alexis says, "You haven't been around in a while."

.

The next afternoon, Alexis is sitting in the chair beside Kate's desk – the chair that has come to be known as Castle's, whether big or little – when she returns from the interrogation room. It brings up memories of the week she had spent taking care of Alexis when the girl had broken her arms.

"Hey Alexis," Kate says, sitting down in her own chair.

Before Kate can say anymore, Alexis responds, "I know dad's not here today. I texted him before I came."

Kate stops typing on her computer. She gives Alexis her full attention, wondering what this was about (although admittedly, she had a pretty good idea).

Alexis takes a deep breath. "I'm smart."

Kate smiles a little at that. "I know," she replies.

"I'm smart enough to know what's going on between you and my dad."

"Alexis…" Kate sighs.

"And don't say it's nothing!"

Kate tries to keep the tone light. "How about it's not anything?"

"Yet."

Kate furrows her eyebrows. "What?"

"It's not anything _yet_, right?"

Kate's expression turns into one of slight amusement at the hopeful tone that had just crept into Alexis' voice. "Why do you say that, Alexis?" she asks instead.

Alexis suddenly looks uncomfortable. "I don't normally like to think about who my dad goes out with and he's pretty good about protecting me from… well, _accidentally _coming into contact with a girl that he's not really serious about."

Kate groans inwardly. "Alexis, I'm really, really sorry about yesterday morning. Truly. After everything that happened, I—"

Alexis shook her head, cutting Kate off. "It's okay, Kate. You don't have to say nothing happened." She blushes, "I mean, I am in _high school_ where there are _a lot_ of hormones…" she stalls before continuing, "Anyway, that's not what I meant to bring up. What I wanted to say is that even though I don't ever involve myself in that part of dad's life, it doesn't mean that I don't think about it – I want my dad to be happy and I think it would be nice if he had somebody to share his time with. But… I… I just think that my dad isn't looking in the right spot. I think he's dating the wrong people."

"And who do you think are the 'right' people?" Kate asks softly.

Alexis looks up. "You."

.

Nothing is as easy as simply willing it to be so. Her relationship with Castle is a perfect representation of that. The two of them had always had such bad timing or, sometimes, the wrong motivations. Kate knows Castle is no longer in it for the chase. She's known that for a while now even before she had asked him straight out during her mother's case. He's her partner, not just her plucky sidekick.

She wonders now, though, if the two of them aren't just acting on some sort of post-traumatic stress from facing and subsequently cheating death. She doesn't want to dive right into it with Castle if their reasons are just so they don't end up dying with regrets.

She climbs into bed that night after a scalding shower. Kate's never had a problem with being alone – she's somebody who likes having, and sometimes even _needs_ to have, her own space.

None of that means she wouldn't prefer to have somebody who could always be there for her, especially when she wakes up in the middle of the night afraid of her own dreams.

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_A/N: As I'm writing this story, it has gone somewhere I hadn't thought to go... oh, brain, how I love surprises..._

_Anywho, love you all for being such awesome reviewers! (I don't know if I've said that in any of my other stories!) :)_


	3. Chasing Cars

**Chasing Cars**

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Kate had promised Alexis that she would consider her points and talk to Castle. Of course, when he returns to the precinct after his day of rest, neither one of them brings it up.

A week passes. Then two. And they're still ignoring that night like they had ignored their 'undercover kiss'. It seems to be their pattern. Nothing gets resolved but nothing becomes unpleasant either.

"So, that's it?" Castle says as Kate and the boys clear the murder board. "We're just going to let Eldridge walk? He totally shot and _murdered_ his girlfriend!"

"Castle, we don't have any evidence," Kate said, frustrated herself.

Esposito rips off Eldridge's picture with more force than necessary. "It sucks, man, but that's usually what happens when the main suspect is part of a gang—"

"—they tend to alibi out," Ryan finished.

"We'll keep looking into it," Kate said, "But for now…"

Dejected is the state Lanie finds them in when she joins them in the bullpen minutes later. "You guys look like you need a drink," she comments.

They end up at Kate's apartment because it's the closest to the precinct. They order Chinese food and talk about anything _other_ than the case (Lanie and Esposito's lack of a 'secret romance' is a recurring topic, of course) and by the end of the night, they all feel slightly better.

"Hey guys," Ryan says, looking at his watch and seeing that it's 9:30, "I should go."

"Jenny waiting on her honeymilk?" Esposito cracks.

Ryan gives him a dirty look before grabbing his jacket off the back of the couch. "Good night," he says pleasantly to everybody besides Esposito.

It's no surprise that Kate finds herself alone with Castle less than an hour later. Lanie and Esposito had helped her clean up but then they had gone too.

The two of them are currently sitting on the couch, close enough to touch. Castle is incessantly flipping through television channels until Kate gets annoyed enough to grab the remote out of his hand. She turns the T.V. off. "There's nothing on and it's late."

That's his cue to leave but he's been trying not to think about her for the past two weeks. Lately, he's constantly finding himself taking cold showers as his imagination runs away with him during the day. And at night, when he's lying in the exact spot she once had, he feels so completely horny that nothing he does is enough.

So, when she moves to stand and her arms brush against his, he can't stop himself anymore.

He pulls her back down onto the couch.

She looks at him. "Castle, what—"

He places a finger on her lips to silence her. "I don't know how you do it but I personally can't stop thinking about you… your breasts, your lips, your legs…" His hand drops to trace her exposed arms, "…the way your skin flushes when you come."

Kate's eyes widen. He leans forward and traces the edge of her ear with his tongue. "Don't worry," he says, "I don't want us to make love and I don't want us to have sex." His voice drops in timbre and volume. "I want us to _fuck_."

"Castle," her breath hitches, "Don't." Her hands are gripping the edge of the couch.

He places one of his hands over hers to pry it away and towards him. "Do you know what you do to me, Kate? How you make me feel every day?" He guides their hands to the bulge pressing against his jeans. "How hard I get just thinking about you?"

"Castle…" Kate has closed her eyes; he lets go of her hand but she doesn't move it away. She has her thinking face on, he knows. But, he also knows when she's made a decision and he's not surprised when she swings her leg over his lap to straddle him.

"What do you want to do, Kate?" he asks as he presses his hands against the small of her back to press her closer against him. "It's your call."

She's rubbing herself against him and it feels like heaven for the both of them. Even with four layers of cloth between them, he can still feel her heat. "I don't know," she moans just as he pulls her t-shirt and bra down and takes one of her nipples into his mouth.

"Tell me to stop," he says, licking and sucking the hardened point. "Tell me what to do."

She's breathing hard and then, leaning down to place her lips right up against his ear, she moans, "Fuck me, Castle. I want you to fuck me."

He's up before she can finish her sentence, carrying her into her room. They make quick work of pants and shirts and she devoids him of his boxers as he unclasps her bra. He slams her up against the wall and she gasps.

"Oh god," he says as his hand slides into her panties. "You're so wet." He hardens to know how aroused she is for him. He pulls the layer of cloth down and immediately pushes three fingers into her, knowing she can handle it. He curls his fingers and her body trembles. He pumps into her one, two, three times and then, "Do you want me to make you come, Kate?"

A sound escapes from somewhere deep in her throat and without further warning, he pushes himself deep into her. She arches to meet him. "Is that the best you can do?" she pants.

His answer is to pull one of her legs around his waist before slamming into her repeatedly until she's screaming his name.

The act and the way they both fall apart in each other's arms is hard and fast.

He has to catch his breath before he can release her and steady her back onto solid ground. When he pulls back, he's surprised to find her blinking rapidly, eyes moist.

His entire expression turns into panic and worry. "Kate," he whispers, placing a kiss against her lips, "What's wr—did I hurt you?" he asks anxiously.

She shakes her head. "No, it's not you." She brushes him aside and walks over to sit on the edge of her bed.

He goes to pull the covers up around her, around them.

Kate doesn't know why but this little thing he does, cocooning them in warmth, pains her. Makes her heart hurt in a way that is unlike anything she's ever felt.

"What is it, Kate?" he asks quietly, kissing her cheek, his tongue snaking out to rid her of her saltwater tears.

And Kate honestly doesn't know what it is. Why she's crying or why, when it comes to Castle, she seems to be perpetually confused.

She gives him the best answer she can come up with at the moment. "There are things that need to be said." She leans her head against his shoulder. "But I'm not ready to say them."

He takes a deep breath in. "Can I help?" he finally asks.

She looks up to meet his eyes. "Can you stay over?"

Castle's immediate thought is '_yes, yes! I can stay forever!' _Aloud, he answers, "Of course."

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_A/N: Chapters get longer, I swear! I gave myself a page count for 'Separation Anxiety' (at least 5.5 pages on Word per chapter, in case you were interested…) but for this story, I'm kinda just going with it as the ideas come. I'm incongruous like th__at. (I'll try my best to post__ the next chapter up sooner to make up for it!)_


	4. Shut Your Eyes

**Shut Your Eyes**

.

She screams so loudly and in such abject terror at one in the morning that Castle bolts upright along with her.

"Hey, hey," he says, crawling over the covers and kneeling in front of her.

Kate's eyes are wide open and she looks awake but she doesn't seem to be able to recognise Castle at all. Her forehead is matted with sweat and she's breathing fast as if she's been running a marathon. When he grasps her shoulders, it only seems to add confusion to the fear and panic marring her features.

"Kate." He repeats her name over and over and then, just as suddenly as it had started, she goes limp in his arms and settles back down.

He watches her for a few minutes after readjusting the covers but she seems to have fallen back asleep with no indication that, ten minutes ago, she had scared the shit out of him.

.

Her phone rings at seven-thirty and Castle picks it up before it wakes her.

"Hello," he answers, as quietly as possible, "Detective Beckett's phone."

There is a slight pause on the other end and then, "Castle?"

It's Esposito.

"Uh yeah, it's me," Castle answers.

Another pause. "You know what?" Esposito starts, "I don't wanna know. No wait, actually I do."

"Is there a murder or something?" Castle interrupts.

"77th and Lex."

"Okay, I'll let her know," Castle says and then hangs up before Esposito can make any more comments. He looks down at Kate and sighs. He really doesn't want to have to wake her up but… "Kate," he says, kissing her softly on the lips, "Time to get up."

"What?" she replies groggily. He leans back as she pushes herself up into a sitting position. "What time is it?"

"7:36," he answers, "Esposito called."

She rubs her eyes. "And you answered?"

"We-ll…" At her look, he quickly says, "There's been an exciting murder!"

Kate rolls her eyes. "You'd better be coming up with a believable story as to why you were able to answer my phone this morning because when Lanie asks, I'll be siccing her on you."

.

"I'm coming home with you tonight," Castle declares without preamble as the elevator doors close, effectively trapping the two of them in there so that Kate would have no other option but to respond.

"In your dreams," she retorts immediately.

It's been a long day and he has no interest in chasing her out the door when they reach the ground floor. He pulls the emergency stop and the elevator lurches and stills.

"What the hell, Castle?" she says angrily.

He blocks her attempts to restart it. "Do you really not remember what happened last night?"

She averts her eyes. "I told you. I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

"No," he shakes his head, "Not that. The screaming and panic on your end that woke the both of us up at one o'clock in the morning?"

"What?" she looks at him sharply.

"You really don't remember waking up last night? I mean, your eyes were _open_ and you were making noises…"

Kate squeezes her eyes shut. "I was probably hallucinating."

Now it's his turn to be confused. "Kate, I don't—"

"Can we talk about this somewhere else?" she gestures to the cramped space.

"Oh. Yeah," Castle restarts the elevator, "Sorry."

Castle gets his wish. They end up back at her apartment where, once again, they find themselves in her kitchen. Much further apart.

"Now can you explain?" he asks.

"Look, Castle, it's been awhile since I've lived with somebody and it's never happened while I've shared a _bed_ with them so I'm really sorry you had to see that."

Castle furrows his eyebrows. "Kate, you don't have to be sorry. You're the one who woke up in the middle of the night in a panic."

"Yeah but I don't remember it afterwards." Kate sighs, "The last time I had night terrors and somebody was able to tell me was when my mom died. My dad used to come into my room every night."

"For how long?" Castle asks, eyes wide. "How long did you have them for?"

Kate shrugs. "A month, maybe—"

"—a _month_?"

"On and off," Kate adds, somewhat defensively. "The doctors told us they were trauma-based. They went away eventually."

"But you don't remember them in the morning," Castle states.

"No."

"So, presumably, you could be having them and not know it because nobody else is around to tell you."

"Castle, I don't—"

"These last two weeks have been pretty trauma-inducing," Castle continues, cutting her off, "And you haven't been getting enough sleep – and trust me, I know because I've had to bring you a lot more coffee… you could've been _terrified_ every night and nobody…" He trails off. They both know what the end of that sentence would be. _Nobody's been around to be with you._

Kate gets exasperated, "Don't be so melodramatic, Castle. It's not like I know they're happening."

"Kate. You were _screaming_—"

"—and I'm sorry you had to be there to experience it bu—"

"Oh my god, can you stop apologising?" Castle snaps. He's standing across from her at the kitchen counter.

She looks at him warily. "They'll pass."

"And until they do?"

Kate shrugs. "Don't have company over?"

Her attempt at banter is lost on him. "What did the doctors tell you to do back then?"

Kate turns her back to him, walks over to the fridge.

"Kate, you're not hungry."

"How do you know?" she challenges, even though it's true.

Castle walks over to her, gently closes the refrigerator door. "Why can't you just tell me?"

Kate crosses her arms. "There was some medication involved," she finally answers, knowing how goddamn persistent Castle could be.

"Did it work?"

"Sometimes."

He scrutinises her face. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Castle, forget it, okay? You and I went through the same things and you're completely _fine_ so can't you just let this go and believe me when I say that _I'm_ fine?"

"Actually," he counters, "I'm _not_ fine. But when I feel like I'm not fine, I have Alexis who'll eat a carton of ice-cream with me while we watch a stupid movie and – yes – I even have my mother who talks to me so much about her issues that it takes my mind off of my own. Who do you have?"

"My dad and I talk, Castle," she answers.

"But not about anything like this," he says, "Because you wouldn't want to worry him. I bet he doesn't even know how close to death you were. I bet that for all he knows, there was a bomb threat in New York City and you were nowhere near it while it was counting down."

Kate glares at him, not giving him the satisfaction of a response. "I have Lanie," she says instead.

Castle nods. "Why don't you call her? I'm sure if you told her what was going on, she would come over here in a heartbeat."

"She's probably with Esposito right now," Kate replies, slightly uncomfortable with the way he's looking at her, "I don't want to interrupt her with this. Especially because _it will pass_." She continues before he can say anything else. "I'm going to take a shower now, Castle. You can let yourself out." A pause, then, "…please. Just go."

Castle turns on her computer once he hears the water running in her bathroom. He's never obeyed her orders and he certainly isn't planning to now.

Twenty minutes later, Kate jumps a little to find Castle sitting on her bed when she walks out of her bathroom. "Don't you have to go home to Alexis?" she asks, towelling off her hair.

"You know, the more I read about night terrors, the more convinced I am of staying."

"Castle."

"I already called my mother and Alexis."

"I asked you to leave."

"And you could hurt yourself without somebody here making sure you don't jump out of a window or something." He gives her a look. "It's true. I read about it on the internet."

"Well, if it's on the internet..." Kate rolls her eyes.

"And I figured out what you weren't willing to tell me." He continues when she doesn't say anything, "For somebody who gets frequent night terrors, it helps to wake them up before the time they usually tend to happen. It disrupts the sleep cycle."

She continues to ignore him and climbs into bed.

"So, what did your dad do? Stay up? Keep vigil by your doorway? Set an alarm clock?"

She pulls the covers down beside her, seemingly accepting defeat though she looks _pissed_ about it. "Wake me up in ninety minutes."

.

"Hey," she says, opening the door for him.

"Are you still looking over the case?" he asks, taking off his jacket and hanging it up in the hall closet.

"No," she answers, "The details are starting to blur. I was planning on going to bed."

Every night, for the past week, after saying goodnight to Alexis, Castle had driven over to Kate's apartment in order to spend the night. As much as Kate tries to tell him not to, she knows that as long as she's still experiencing night terrors, he'll keep coming back night after night.

And he _knows_ she's still having them. The one time he had forgotten to set the alarm, she had woken up thrashing and all he could do was comfort her with a hug. He keeps suggesting she go see a doctor but she continues to refuse, claiming that they'll refer her to a psychotherapist and she has no interest in sharing such personal events with a stranger.

Her continued stubbornness is why he now has a drawer of things at her place.

When she comes out of the washroom, after brushing her teeth, she strips out of the jeans she had been wearing in order to pull on a pair of shorts. Neither one of them is fazed that she's changing in front of him.

Still, she must have run out of her normal flesh-coloured, sensible pairs of panties because the ones she has on – red, lacy – serves to remind Castle how long it's been since they've had sex. Specifically, a week and two days. That first night she had asked him to stay.

"Kate," he says.

"Mhm," she answers without looking in his direction.

"Maybe we could try something else tonight." He walks over and helps her tug her t-shirt over her head. He stills her hand when she goes to reach for her cotton tank. "I read that stress can also contribute to the frequency of night terrors."

"You read that, huh?" She looks unimpressed.

His fingers lightly brush up and down her back. "I think you need to de-stress." His intentions are crystal clear.

She doesn't stop him when he strips out of his own clothes and he watches her pupils dilate as he presses her against him, applying pressure where she wants it most.

She's the one who ends up initiating the kiss, sucking at his lower lip while he pushes down the shorts she had just put on and those cursed panties that had started this whole thing in the first place. She has her arms around his neck and he winces when her nails dig into his back. His fault, of course, because his fingers had been sliding into her moist opening and he had just pressed down on her clit.

"I don't know what we're doing here, Castle," Kate says, tilting her head so that he has access to the smooth curve of her neck.

He starts guiding them backwards. "As long as one of us knows," he responds and in his head, he adds, '_Let me show you how much I love you.'_

He lies her down on the bed and with her legs parted, settles between her thighs. "Look at me, Kate," he says.

She acquiesces and it's only then that he starts to slide into her. His shallow thrusts never go quite deep enough and she's writhing beneath him, just about ready to take matters into her own hands when—

She gasps in shock when he slams into her all the way. He stays there, pressed tight into her warmth and making sure she's still looking at him before he pulls out slowly and resumes the shallow movements. It's too much but not enough all at once and Kate can no longer concentrate on what he's doing, only knowing that the next time he sinks into her hard and deep, the sensation makes her throw her head back on a moan.

His rhythm continues this way, a seemingly random sequence of shallow thrusts before burying full length into her. He has to pin her hips down with his hands to prevent them from moving with him. Her breaths have turned into tortured moans and she's clinging to his arms, no longer able to keep her eyes open.

His own breathing is harsh and she knows he hasn't started moving again because he's trying to calm his own arousal. "Stay with me, Kate," he manages to say and she forces her eyes to reopen.

What she sees in his unwavering gaze is the commitment she's afraid of mixed in with the intimacy she craves. It startles her, makes her draw a sharp breath in.

It's this connection that he wants her to feel and he lets go of his vice-like grip of her hips then, her body immediately arching up against his. There's no way to slow the rush now; when he slams into her, her intense orgasm tangles with his and they both cry out their release. Her climax lasts well after his and when he leans down to fumble for her lips, his shifting angle only causes her grip on him to tighten as she continues to pulse and throb around him.

He spoons up against her afterwards and she lets out a sated sigh, tension and stress relieved. When he finally feels her relax into his arms, he says softly, "A slow build makes for a more spectacular ending."

He thinks he's being so subtle but Kate is well aware of the double meaning behind his words.

* * *

_A/N: Night terrors exist, guys! For reals. I studied parasomnias in psych. (Of course, I only used the bits of treatment convenient for angsty/romance/awkward situations…)_


	5. It's Beginning to Get to Me

**It's Beginning to Get to Me**

.

Kate has figured out pretty quickly – in fact, she had figured it out within the first few times of sleeping with him – that sex with Castle would never get boring. He seems to put in just as much imagination into coming up with new ways to get her off as he did spinning plot points for his novels. He's adventurous and more significantly, he makes _her_ adventurous.

"Castle," she says one night in between drawn out moans, "Either let me eat that strawberry or fuck me already."

"Ooo, I like it when you talk dirty," he says, sounding awfully pleased with himself as he continues to drag the chocolate-dipped strawberry over her body. It's even better for him when the chocolate starts to melt.

Kate groans when he licks tantalisingly close to her nipples. "Castle, I mean it." Her demand loses some of its force due to the breathy way she says it.

Still, "How about I do both?" he says, sliding his free hand between her legs while the fruit hovers over her mouth.

She whimpers when his finger starts stroking up and down along her moist opening.

"Come on, Kate," he coaxes until she finally opens her mouth and takes a bite. He's unsure whether her subsequent moans are due to the sweetness of the fruit or the way he's currently fucking her with his fingers.

Later, Kate realises that chocolate-covered fruit had only been the beginning of his repertoire.

When she finally agrees to let him _borrow_ her handcuffs, she wonders why she hadn't let him use them earlier. Once he realises they had scratched her wrists though, he switches over to silk ties.

"You can stop this whenever you want, you know," he says, looking into her eyes right before he carefully blindfolds her.

"I know," she murmurs and then she says the three words that make his heart skip two beats. "I trust you."

She's much more alert without her eyesight. When he starts to skim his fingers over her body, the contact feels amplified and sets her on edge, not knowing where or when the next touch would come. One second he's sucking on her hardened nipples and the next, his lips have travelled down to nip at the inside of her left thigh.

The knots he had used to secure her wrists to the bed are loose enough to undo but all she can do when he goes down on her is tug on them as her body bucks up. She feels his hands on her hips immediately, keeping her in place while he works her with his tongue. Her head tips to the side as her breathing turns into pants. She's moaning in desperation until he suddenly applies pressure to her clit and she screams out in pleasure.

He plants kisses along her body as he waits for her to catch her breath. As soon as she does though, one of his hands are already between her legs.

Her breath hitches when she feels him brushing his tip against her entrance. His other hand softly caressing her cheek, he waits until he feels her nearly imperceptible nod against it. He slides into her at once and she barely has time to adjust before he's pulling out of her. She cries out when he slams back in almost immediately, her hands gripping at the restraints when he continues to take her fast and hard.

"I can't," she finally gasps, "Please, Castle, take it off."

He slips the blindfold off and throws it on the floor. Her eyes, wide and full of passion, meet his at once. He brings his lips to hers, kissing her tenderly as his movements above her slow.

"You're amazing," she says, the sex-filled haze having removed the filter in her brain that usually prevents her from saying things like that.

He only smiles back at her softly. "And you're beautiful."

That night, instead of waking up in a terror, she wakes up in the middle of a nightmare in which Castle features front and centre. It's a nightmare that tells her what she had accepted for herself a long time ago. Her job is dangerous. _She's_ dangerous.

Even after she calms down, her resolve remains.

She knows what she has to do.

.

"Kate! What are you doing here? I was just about to head over to your place."

"I know." Kate walks through the front door of Castle's loft but remains in the foyer. "There's something I need you to do."

"Name it."

Kate looks around, notices the distinct lack of noise. "Where are Alexis and Martha?" she asks.

"Alexis is in her room, my mother is out—" he makes a gesture with his hands, indicating she could be anywhere by now. "Why? What's up?"

"Nothing," Kate answers, "Everything's fine. I just came to tell you not to come over tonight… anymore, actually."

He narrows his eyes. "Why?"

"Because I can take care of myself," Kate replies on a sigh. "And you can't keep leaving Alexis here, on her own, especially if Martha is out. Like tonight."

"Oh, please," Castle starts, "That's just an excuse and you know it. Alexis can take care of herself better than _I_ can. And _definitely_ better than my mother who likes to throw parties every other weekend."

"She's your daughter, Castle."

"Are you reminding me?" he says sardonically.

"No. I'm trying to tell you that you have priorities!"

"Kate, have you ever considered that _you_ might be one of those priorities?" His voice has risen and after a quick glance up the stairs, he starts walking towards his office. When Kate doesn't immediately follow, he turns around, "I don't want to wake up Alexis."

"I know," She stares at him steadily, "But I'm already done having this conversation"

He stares right back. "Well, I'm not."

"We'll just have to agree to disagree then." Kate turns around to open the door and Castle catches up to her before she's made it three steps down the hallway.

"Castle!" she says, shaking off his hands when he makes a grab for her arm. "How do you think this situation is going to play out? You can't stay with me forever!"

"Actually, that sounds like a pretty good plan to me," he shoots back, not even remotely joking.

She ignores his comment and continues with her own rant. "And I can't keep having sex with you every night!"

"Again, that sounds pretty good to me."

"We are so fucked up, you know that? You're doing all of this just so I can stop having nightmares."

"Not nightmares, Kate! Night _terrors_."

"I know what I have, Castle!"

"And I am _not_ just doing all of this out of some misguided concern."

Kate finally lowers her voice back to an appropriate volume. "This isn't normal," she says.

"Well, that's good," he replies, "Because I don't want 'normal'."

She shakes her head. "You're not my boyfriend. We're not even a couple."

"What the hell are we then?" Castle's really frustrated now. "We're not friends with benefits," he continues when she doesn't have a response for him, "Remember how _that_ turned out when we tried it? Actually, I don't think we were _ever_ 'friends with benefits'."

"I think we were."

"No, because if you had just been in it for the sex, if you really _had_ felt nothing, you wouldn't have run."

"I told you why we couldn't be together, Castle!"

"You can't seriously tell me you still believe in all of that," he scoffed, "You can't say I'm unreliable one minute and then thank me for always being there the next. It doesn't work that way."

"We're different," Kate says by way of response.

"Clearly." He rubs at his temples, feeling like they keep having the same conversation over and over again. "I have no idea what's going on in your head, Kate. I try to see things from your perspective – with that tough exterior you put up and the distance you keep from people – but I feel like with all of your master detecting skills, you can't seem to uncover your own feelings about us; you're not even willing to figure out something as fundamental as what you _want_."

"What are you even trying to argue here, Castle? That I'm a cold person? Didn't we start this conversation with me telling you that I just didn't want you to babysit me anymore?" Kate's tone got angrier as she went. "I was done with this conversation a long time ago. In fact, it wasn't even supposed to have been anything more than a request. So, you'll excuse me if I've lost track of what we've been fighting about!"

"You know what Kate? I'm done," he spits out. "When you finally realise what it is that you want, call me. Otherwise, don't bother."

"Fine by me," she replies with equal fury, "I never wanted you to follow me around anyway!"

She turns to walk away from him, jabbing the down button of the elevator repeatedly. Castle is already at his front door when he suddenly turns around. "You were right about one thing," he says, slightly calmer now, "We're _not_ opposites. I always just thought of you as my missing piece."

Without a backwards glance, Kate steps into the elevator and he shuts his front door.

* * *

_A/N: First half smut, second half fight: that's pretty balanced, right?_


	6. You Could Be Happy

**You Could Be Happy**

.

"Where's Castle?"

"He won't be joining us anymore."

"…are we talking for the next couple of days or—"

"—for the foreseeable future, okay? Now can we get back to work?"

That's the conversation Kate has with Ryan and Esposito the day after her conversation, her _fight_, with Castle. Her tone tells them that asking any more questions would get them severely injured.

Still, Kate knows they had gone running to Lanie because at the end of the day, Lanie walks up to her desk with purpose. "Drinks and girl talk," she says immediately.

Kate looks up at her friend. "No."

"Just talk, then."

Kate looks back down at the file.

"Ok_ay_… just drinks."

They end up at some club downtown and much to Lanie's chagrin, Kate's lips remain sealed even with several drinks in her system. Sealed in terms of words, at least, because she's been making out with the same guy on the dance floor for the last couple of minutes.

"Girl! What has gotten into you?" Lanie says after she finally manages to pry Kate out of the guy's arms.

"Nothing!" Kate replies in a cheery way that sounds nothing at _all_ like her. She waves her hand up to signal the bartender and orders a vodka straight.

"Soda," Lanie amends, giving the bartender five dollars, "Bring her a soda."

"Lanie, just because you're no longer single doesn't mean _I'm_ no longer single," Kate says, "I can dance with whoever I want."

"Yes, _dance_," Lanie stresses, "Which doesn't even resemble what you were doing out there."

Kate plucks the drink out of the bartender's hand when he returns and downs it. "Lanie, you're the one who brought me here. You're always telling me to get a life," Kate says defiantly, "This is me getting a life."

An hour later and Lanie needs back up.

"Lanie!" Esposito yells from two feet away. She's been standing at the bar, waiting for him.

"Did you drive?" Lanie asks when he finally manages to squeeze himself next to her.

"Yeah," he replies, "What did you say was wrong with Beckett?"

Lanie points out onto the dance floor. One look and Esposito can see why words hadn't been necessary.

Kate is surrounded by three or four guys, though he can't really tell from the lighting; what is made abundantly clear, however, is that if she doesn't stop teasing them with her erotic dance moves, one of them would be taking her home.

"Go get her," Lanie tells him and shivers, "They were pawing at me when I tried to. And I am _not_ strong enough to drag Kate away even if they hadn't been."

Esposito looks at his girlfriend and nods wearily. He makes his way across the dance floor, trying to remember the last time he had seen Beckett like this: all dishevelled and out-of-control. He can't.

"Hey!" he yells, once he gets close enough to the group of guys, "This party is over."

"Who are you, man? Her boyfriend?"

The rest of them start to get riled up now that their friend has gotten the ball rolling. "Yeah, why don't _you_ get lost?"

"She's already having a good time with us."

Esposito is way too tired to play games right now. He whips out his badge. "NYPD."

The four of them step back immediately. "Whoa man. We were just dancin'."

Esposito turns back to Kate, placing a hand on her forearm. "Esposito!" She looks surprised to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"Lanie called," he replied.

Kate is still moving to the music and when she hears this, she pauses briefly. "I thought she left."

"You don't really think that, Beckett, do you? Lanie wouldn't just leave you here."

"Yeah, well, she's mad at me, so…" Kate shakes her head and resumes her dancing. "A lot of people have been mad at me lately."

Esposito's interest is piqued. This has to be the reason Beckett is acting like she is. "Like who?" he asks. "Does this have something to do with Castle's sudden disappearance from the precinct?"

Kate throws a dirty look in his direction. "_Don't_ talk to me about him."

"C'mon," he says, grasping her arm, "Let's go. Lanie's waiting for us at the bar."

"Tell her she can leave," Kate says, "I'm fine."

"Beckett, we're not leaving here without you."

"Then you'll be here for a long time," she responds, pulling her arm away with unexpected force. By the time he's recovered, she had already started to make her way through the gyrating bodies.

"Great," he mutters. He should've known that even drunk, Beckett could probably still kick his ass. He returns to Lanie who has an expectant look on her face.

"Well?" she exclaims. "Why the hell isn't she with you?"

"It's about Castle," he explains.

"Of course it is," she says, pulling out her cellphone.

Half an hour later and Castle is joining them at the bar. "Where is she?" he asks.

"Last we saw, she was by the lounge chairs," Lanie replies.

"But we've been keeping an eye on the exit. She hasn't left," Esposito adds. "I don't know what's going on between the two of you but she thinks you're mad at her or she's mad at you… either way, Beckett's acting _loco_ because of you."

"We're leaving," Lanie declares and then pats him on the arm. "Get my girl home safe. She's in a red dress, you can't miss it."

Castle finds her smack dab in the middle of the club. He taps the guy who currently has his hands all over her. "I'll take over from here," he says, adopting his most menacing face.

The guy does not look impressed. "Does she belong to you or somethin'?" he challenges.

Castle grimaces. "She doesn't belong _to_ anybody. But she _is_ a cop—" then, for good measure, adds, "—and so am I. If you don't want to get arrested for assault, I'd suggest you step away."

The guy looks leery of Castle's claim but he backs off anyway, in a move that could only be interpreted as better safe than sorry.

"It's a crime to impersonate a cop," Kate says. She hadn't uttered a word while Castle was speaking to her dancing partner – choosing to close her eyes and sway to the music until it was all over. Now, she sidles up to Castle, her heels bringing her nearly eye-level. "I could arrest you."

"Go ahead," Castle dares, "But that would mean you'd have to haul me out of here."

"That could be arranged," she shoots back.

"Let's go then."

Castle knows it couldn't be as easy as that.

Sure enough, "I'm not ready to leave yet," she says.

"Kate." He reaches out with his right hand to grab her left.

Quicker than he can react, she twists them and his chest ends up pinned against her back, his right arm now holding onto her midsection. His response to let go gets momentarily deterred when she grinds into him – her ass pressing tightly and rubbing shamelessly in a way that makes him instantly hard. He grits his teeth and detangles himself from her.

"If you can't take the heat…" she says, tone feisty.

"I think you're the one who can't take it," he retaliates.

She glares at him. "I thought you were '_done'_," she says, spitting out the last word like venom.

His eyes narrow. "I _am_ done. I'm just here to get you home."

"I'll go home when I want to. It's not your job to _babysit_ me, Castle."

He stares at her for a full minute but her expression holds steady at mutinous.

He leaves her on the dance floor. But he doesn't leave her.

.

He gets her home when she finally passes out from exhaustion and no longer cares that it's him. She falls asleep in his car and he has to carry her up and into her apartment.

He takes off her shoes but leaves her in her dress. He sits beside her bed all night with a garbage can and a glass of water, afraid that if she throws up, she won't have the presence of mind to get back into the recovery position.

He leaves in the morning before she realises he's been there.

* * *

_A/N: So... thoughts?_


	7. Make This Go On Forever

**Make This Go On Forever**

.

Kate walks determinedly towards the morgue where she knows Lanie is eating her lunch beside a bunch of corpses like it's the most normal thing in the world.

"Lanie," she says when she enters the room, "I need you to do a blood test for me."

Lanie looks up from the medical journal she had been reading. "Excuse me?"

Kate leans against one of the counters. "I think I'm pregnant."

Silence.

Then, "…Girl, you've got some explaining to do."

.

The next day, the two of them walk to a nearby deli for lunch. After they order, Lanie unceremoniously places the sheet with Kate's blood test results onto the table. "So?" she starts, "Who's the baby daddy?"

Kate figures this is an easier conversation to have than the one where she has to decide what she wants to do with the little… baby? fetus? alien invader?... growing inside her.

Lanie is staring at her expectantly and with one knowing glance from Kate, Lanie's eyes open wide in sudden revelation. "Oh no, you did _not_," she says, "You and writer boy finally did the deed?"

Kate nods.

"Was it two weeks ago? When he had to practically drag your ass out of that club?"

"No," she mumbles against her water glass, not quite able to look directly at her best friend.

Lanie picks up on this and narrows her eyes. "This wasn't the first time, was it?"

Kate shakes her head slowly.

"The fifth?"

Another shake of the head.

Lanie ups the number of times to a timeframe. Clearly, she's been underestimating Castle's ability to be discreet. "Three months?"

"No… not _three_," Kate averts her gaze, "More like… six."

"SIX MONTHS?"

Kate hushes her. "Look, I'm sorry for not telling you—"

"—yeah, you better be—"

"—but it just happened and then it got complicated so we stopped – well, tried to stop – and then it got even more complicated…"

Lanie looks disbelievingly at Kate. "Are you two… together?"

Kate sighs. "That's the complicated part." She thinks better of it and amends, "Actually, no. That's _not_ the complicated part because we're _not_ together."

"So… what're you guys doing?"

"Yeah, see, _that's_ the complicated part."

.

Castle's absence makes it simultaneously easier and more difficult for Kate. On the one hand, she doesn't have to come up with explanations as to why she's suddenly developed an aversion to anything that smells like cinnamon and it would've been absolutely impossible to pretend that she's suddenly changed her copious coffee drinking habit from six cups a day to practically none. It's easier for her to pretend nothing's changed when he's not hovering over her every second of every day.

Still, there's that guilt again rearing its ugly head. She feels as though she has an obligation, a responsibility, to let him know but she knows he would immediately jump into daddy-dearest mode, which would only make it more difficult for her to make a decision. Because, at the end of the day, shouldn't it be her decision? It is _her_ body after all. Castle isn't the one who has to worry about his body changing and irrational hormonal behaviour and all of the aspects of his job that would have to change because of this new addition to his life. Those are all things _she'll_ have to deal with.

None of that seems to matter though because even though Castle's not there invading her personal space, she has an actual physical reminder of his existence in the form of a growing fetus and it's as if he hadn't left at all.

.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know."

Kate is sitting in a coffee shop, having tea, with Lanie after her OB appointment.

"Have you told your dad?" Lanie asks.

Kate shakes her head. "It's too early either way. I mean, even if I did decide to keep it, don't people usually wait until the end of their first trimester before spreading the news?"

"What about Castle? When are you going to tell him?"

"_If_ I decide to tell him," Kate corrects.

Lanie takes a sip of her peppermint tea. "You'll tell him."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you."

Kate sighs and frowns at her friend. "You know I haven't made any sort of decision yet, right?"

"Mhm."

"So, it's very annoying that you seem to think you know what I'm going to do before I even know I want to do it?"

Lanie drags out her 'mhmm' this time.

Kate crosses her arms. "Well, if you know me so well then why don't you tell me whether or not I'll decide to keep it? Save me the trouble."

"Oh no," Lanie says, shaking her head. "_That_ I don't know. No situation from which to extract previous behaviour. The next time you get accidently knocked up though, I'll have a better idea."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Thanks."

"So…" Lanie leans back in her chair. "Six weeks…"

Kate lowers her gaze, suddenly finding her chamomile tea riveting.

"Do you know when it happened?" Lanie continues.

"I have an idea." She sighs. "But I can't tell him now. I mean, he's still not talking to me… no, that's wrong, _I'm_ still not talking to _him_."

Lanie thinks Kate had it right in the first place but aloud, she merely asks, "What did you two fight about, anyway?"

Kate shrugs, a defeatist tone when she answers, "I don't know. A bunch of things, I guess. He kept spewing all these vague concepts to me – about how I don't know what I want in life. As if anybody does, right?"

Lanie tilts her head. "…_Well_…"

"—that was a rhetorical question, Lanie."

"I'm just sayin'… maybe you should make the first move. Give him a chance."

"He's had a lot of chances," Kate retorts. "I kick him off of cases and he keeps coming back for more."

"I think he might be coming back for more than just the prospect of playing detective."

Kate stares at her friend. "So, what? You think I should just show up at his doorstep and say 'hey, remember when we were having sex – no strings attached – well, it seems as though we've created something together that will now be a permanent reminder of that time'?

"Interesting choice of words there," Lanie comments instead of answering Kate's question directly.

"What're you talking about?"

"You said 'we've created something together'," Lanie replies, "That's a strong sentiment for somebody who claims they don't have feelings towards a tiny fetus or the father of said tiny fetus."

"It's just what people say, Lanie," Kate says, irritated at Lanie's analysis of a simple slip of the tongue.

"No, when I got accidently knocked up—" Kate raises her eyebrows at that but Lanie ignores it "—my sentiments to my boyfriend had been more along the lines of 'oh shit, I can't believe this happened' and not 'oh shit, I can't believe what we've created together'." Lanie doesn't pay attention to Kate's frustrated growl. "Kate, your boy's a writer, why don't you go ask him about the connotations between those two phrases?"

.

"Beckett?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're up for this?" Esposito looks at her, face full of concern as they get out of their respective vehicles. "You don't look so good."

It's early evening and the three of them are currently standing outside a building on St. Nicholas Ave. after Esposito had found a lead in the Eldridge case: the case that had gone cold months ago because Eldridge had conveniently alibi-ed out.

She looks suspiciously at Esposito after he makes the comment, wondering if Lanie had hinted something to him. "Why wouldn't I be up for this?" she asks bitingly, "Eldridge walked away after murdering his girlfriend and now I'm ready to _personally_ wipe that goddamn smirk off his face."

"Okay, okay," Esposito backs off, "I just meant—"

"—I'm fine, Esposito. Now, can we just go?" They aren't exactly in the safest of neighbourhoods and Kate knows the three of them just scream 'cops'.

"Hey," Ryan calls out, standing a couple of buildings away, "It's this one."

After banging on the apartment door for a good five minutes, Esposito decides a more forceful entry is required. They have a warrant, after all. Turns out, getting Noel Eldridge cuffed and out of his apartment isn't a problem, it's making it out of the area alive that is.

"One Lincoln 30, there was a drive-by shooting at 124th and St. Nicholas Ave. Suspect has escaped from custody. We need back-up and an ambulance." Esposito glances over at Ryan, whose shoulder had been grazed by a bullet. "How is she, man?"

Ryan is hovering over Kate, hand covering the hole in her abdomen. He shakes his head grimly. "We need that ambulance."

* * *

_A/N: I _know_, right? The "accidental pregnancy" trope? Really, Violet, REALLY? ~sigh. Stay with me, dear readers, I hate horrible clichés, too. _

_(P.S.: I was seriously considering changing the trajectory of the story – which is why it took me so long to put this chapter up even though I had already written it – but then, I got reassured by the lovely __**carolune **__that I'm not engaging in a cop-out. So, I must thank her profusely for her ramblings to my ramblings! Here's hoping you all feel similarly…) _


	8. Set the Fire to the Third Bar

**Set the Fire to the Third Bar**

.

Esposito isn't the one who finds the new lead in the Eldridge case. Castle is.

Stuck on the finer points of Nikki Heat's latest predicament, Castle had called up one of his unorthodox connections and had subsequently found himself sitting in a seedy bar filled with equally seedy characters. Midway through the discussion, he couldn't help but overhear a conversation between two men playing pool.

Two hours after he had texted Esposito, he finds out through Ryan that the three of them are heading to Eldridge's with explicit instructions for Castle not to follow them. So, as much as he had avoided the precinct since his fight with Kate, he decides that watching Eldridge get hauled off in handcuffs would be worth the trip. It is there, while he is examining the murder board, that he finds out about the shooting.

As Montgomery rushes out of the station, he orders Castle to either stay put or go home. Castle ignores both directives and tailgates the Captain all the way to the hospital.

.

"You all need to back up," says a nurse to the crowd of officers – and Castle – standing outside the trauma room. "I promise to update you on the status of your colleague as soon as we know anything but right now, you're preventing us from doing our jobs efficiently."

Even though this nurse is all of five feet standing in front of a bunch of burly cops, they all obey her and shift out into the halls.

"That means all of you," the nurse says when Esposito, Ryan, and Castle don't follow suit. "And—" she looks at Ryan's arm "—you need to get that looked at."

"That's our partner in there," Ryan replies.

Before the nurse can chastise them any further, Lanie barrels past them.

"Whoa, excuse me miss!"

Ignoring the nurse, Lanie pushes the door to the trauma room open just as the team inside is setting up for x-rays. "Wait!" she says, slightly out of breath, "She's pregnant."

"She's _what_?"

Lanie doesn't even know which one of the three guys had asked the question. She's too busy answering the doctor's questions.

"How far along is she?"

This time, she does glance over her shoulder at Esposito, Ryan and Castle but her gaze is fixed solely on the latter. "About seven weeks," she answers.

"Was she attached to this pregnancy?"

Lanie knows what the doctor is really trying to ask. She shakes her head. "She wasn't sure. Kate was still weighing her options when I spoke to her a few days ago."

The doctor nods. "We haven't been able to find the exit wound and she'll need exploratory surgery. The risk of complications to the fetus from surgery alone is large, more so because she's in her first tr—"

"—please try and save the baby," Castle blurts out, suddenly finding himself standing beside Lanie. His head is still spinning from the information.

The doctor looks at Castle. "And who are you?"

"Kate's my… the baby is…" he's stuttering and unable to decide on what to say.

"He's the father," Lanie answers for him.

This time, both Ryan and Esposito's exclamations can be clearly heard. "He's the _what_?"

"We're ready," one of the nurses tells the doctor. There are a slew of clicks as the doctors and nurses unlock the gurney and start pushing. The four of them move out of the way.

The doctor looks to Castle. "We'll do our best."

There is a moment of oppressive silence as the four of them watch the emergency team rush down the hallway. Then, a second after the elevator doors have closed, Esposito rounds on Castle. Pinning him up against the sickly green wall, Esposito is seething in anger. "You knocked her up and then you _left her_? You know, I thought it was strange when Beckett told us you no longer wanted to trail after her like a lost puppy anymore but now I get it—" he pushes Castle just a little bit harder, fists clenching the material of his shirt just inches away from his jaw, "—you already got what you fucking wanted from her, didn't you?"

"Espo—" Ryan is trying to pull him off Castle with his one good arm.

"—Tell me you're not pissed, Ryan," Esposito says between gritted teeth, his eyes still boring into Castle's.

"Oh, I want to murder him nice and slow," Ryan responds, "Just not here in the middle of a goddamn hospital."

"Hey!" Lanie butts in before the conversation could get any further down the path of bloodshed, "Would the three of you just calm the hell down?" She wrenches Esposito's right hand off of Castle and says, "As concerned as you are with defending Beckett's honour like she's some fucking damsel in distress and not somebody who can knock you all down like a bunch of dominoes, could you maybe tamp down on all of this macho-filled energy and channel it into catching the goddamned suspect who did this?"

"La—"

Lanie cuts Ryan off, pointing a finger at him in retaliation. "And you, you fool! Go get your bloody arm sutured up! Do you think it makes you look manly and attractive? 'Cause I can tell you right now – Jenny is on her way here and you know she won't be impressed."

Ryan smartly slouches away before Lanie can find another reason to yell at him. Esposito, on the other hand, still hasn't backed away from Castle.

"Javier," Lanie says with a little less force than before, "I know you feel like it's partly your fault that Beckett got shot but getting angry at writer boy won't solve anything."

Castle lets out a slow breath when Esposito finally steps out of his personal space and into Lanie's. "She wasn't feeling a hundred percent today," Esposito says, "I could see it and I should have stopped her from going in there with us."

"She wouldn't have listened," Castle says quietly, ignoring his self-preservation skills by speaking up at all. Sure enough, all he gets from Esposito is a glare. Castle looks down at the tiled floor, his fingers tugging at the hem of his shirt in order to straighten it out again. "Esposito," he starts in that same defeatist tone, "I didn't know. Kate never told me, okay? You and Ryan and Lanie can torture me as much as you want but I already hate myself so you really shouldn't bother."

Castle walks off before the two of them can respond.

.

It's just past three in the morning. The officers from the 12th had left a while ago, as soon as they had news that Kate had made it out of surgery. Esposito had taken Lanie home after she had collapsed in his arms from exhaustion. Only he and Kate's dad are left sitting in the waiting room outside the intensive care unit because even though Kate was alive, the next twenty-four hours were crucial. She would either wake up or…

Castle refuses to think of the alternative. Beside him, Jim Beckett is still sitting stiffly in the hospital chair like he had been all night. Barely moving. Castle is surprised when he starts to speak – the first words he has uttered since his conversation with Kate's surgeon two hours ago.

Still, it is only his mouth that moves. "How long have you been seeing my daughter?" he asks, voice raspy from disuse.

Castle shifts in his seat.

Jim turns his head slightly to look at him. "That's why you're still here after everybody else has left, isn't it? Or are you staying because you feel ashamed and guilty?"

Jim had been too worried about his daughter – too grateful to the doctor when she had come out to tell them that Kate had made it out of surgery alive – to fully absorb the fact that the same doctor had also just informed him they had been unable to save the grandchild he didn't know he had. He would have asked Katie about it if – _when – _she woke up but one look at Rick Castle's face and he had no doubt as to who the father had been.

What hurts Jim the most is the fact that Katie didn't think any of these events had been important enough to share with her own father.

"Kate didn't tell me either," Castle finally responds, as if reading Jim's mind. "That she was pregnant, I mean."

Reading between the lines, Jim asks, "Why not?"

Castle sighs. "We had had a fight."

"You broke up," Jim states.

Castle squeezes his eyes shut. "You can't break up if you weren't together in the first place." This is painful for him. "That's what we fought about. The status of our relationship."

It's Jim's turn to sigh but for reasons entirely separate. "My Katie is stubborn. Always has been."

There's a pause and then, "I'm sorry, Mr. Beckett."

"For what exactly, Mr. Castle?" Jim asks to which Castle has no answer. "If you want to apologise, I suggest you do so to Katie. When she wakes up."

With that, Jim returns to his previously stoic position and Castle gathers that they won't be having another conversation until after Jim is able to speak to his daughter.

Castle clears his throat before the silence becomes too awkward to break. There's one more thing he needs to say. "I didn't leave because I needed to make sure she survived—" he closes his eyes "—but I stayed because I love her."


	9. Headlights on Dark Roads

**Headlights on Dark Roads**

.

"Hey, you can't be in here."

Castle startles awake from the plastic hospital chair he's been sitting in.

"Visiting hours are over," the nurse continues.

"I'm sorry." Castle scrubs his eyes with the back of his hand. "I didn't realise I fell asleep."

The nurse walks over to the end of Kate's bed and grabs the chart. She shoots him a look that's all but sympathetic once she's caught up on the file. He looks away.

It's been seven days since Kate's surgery and two days since she's been transferred out of the ICU and into her own private room. She's woken up a few times, but in pain and confusion and unable to recognise her situation. For the most part, they've kept her sedated.

"Go home," the nurse says after she had performed her barrage of standard checks that had also worked to give him a few more minutes, "Let us take care of her while you take care of yourself."

Castle rises out of the chair and leans forward to kiss Kate gently on the cheek, lingering. Finally, he sighs, straightens and says, needlessly, "I'll be back tomorrow."

.

He's there when she wakes up – of course he is – for good, strong enough to breathe on her own.

In the short time between him pressing the call button to notify the nurse and the doctor actually arriving, only a few words are exchanged.

Among them, with her gaze still and tempered: "I'm not pregnant anymore, am I?"

He pauses, shakes his head. "No." His voice is quiet. "You're not."

.

"This is the address to my dad's cabin." Kate has her bag on the hospital bed where she is currently perched.

Castle takes the slip of paper, notices a phone number is also written on it.

"The landline," she explains, "Cell phone reception is unreliable up there."

His head half-turns towards the open door, unconsciously acknowledging her father's presence just outside. Kate had told Jim to wait in the hall when Castle had arrived, his appearance unsurprising even though she had told him the night before that it would be unnecessary. "Will your dad be with you the whole time?" he says now.

"No. On the weekends, probably, but I'll be okay."

"And you're sure?" he asks, alluding to an offer he didn't make but that they both know is there.

She nods. "It's quiet there. I can think."

"Well, if your thoughts become bad company…"

She smiles a little. "I know, Castle."

He leans down to kiss her cheek: soft, tender. "Be safe, Kate."

.

His cellphone flashes in unknown number a week later. When he answers, there's silence but for some hiccupped breathing. "Kate?" he says, quickly ducking off the busy New York street and into a store. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's me," she finally answers, her voice thick.

"What's wrong?" he asks, anxiety seeping into his words.

"I don't know." He can hear the start of her breakdown – her thoughts tripping out as she cries. "I was just feeling—and I wanted to hear you—and Castle, how can you miss something you never really had in the first place?"

He's not sure if she's referring to the baby that they lost or the relationship that they didn't fight for. Either way, he finally understands what people mean when they say that their heart _hurts_.

"Kate," he says, tone gentle but leaving no room for a difference of opinion, "I'm coming to see you now. I don't want to do this over the phone." She doesn't answer; he can only hear her harsh breaths. "Hang in there, okay?"

He stays on the phone with her as he drives, but about halfway there, she's quiet and he realises that she's probably fallen asleep on him. He's loath to wake her up when he arrives but, without a key, it leaves him no other choice.

"Hi," she says, pushing open the screen door to let him in. Her eyes are rimmed red and it's to his surprise that she makes the move to hug him, first.

"You smell different," he murmurs into her hair, voicing the first thing that comes to mind.

"Different shampoo," she murmurs back.

"Well, you still have your Kate-scent right _here_," he presses a kiss along the column of her neck and that finally gets a smile – albeit tiny – out of her.

They don't speak about the reason he's up there until later on that night – under the cover of darkness in her bed.

"We weren't ready," she whispers. The two of them had been quietly curled up in each other for a while now, but it's the first time either has said anything.

"No," he agrees, "We weren't."

"We _still _aren't. Not by a long shot."

He strokes her hair. "But, before… everything happened… you were warming up to the idea?"

She tears up. "Maybe a little. Maybe I just wanted the choice to be mine… ours."

He hugs her tighter, voice pitched as quietly as he can make it. "Maybe one day we can try again."

.

"You got home safe?" Kate has the phone cradled between her ear and shoulder as she bustles around her room, trying to straighten up a little for her dad.

"Course," he answers. "Will your dad be up there tonight?"

"No, tomorrow. Morning."

"And you're okay with him staying for the entire long weekend?"

Kate shrugs, even though she knows Castle can't see her. "It is what it is. He worries, you know?"

Silence, and Kate can hear Castle shuffling around, probably on the couch in his living room.

"Yeah, I know," he finally replies. "A lot of people worry about you, Kate."

"Castle… don't—"

"—what?"

She sighs. "Nothing. Let's just… talk about something else. How's Alexis?"

.

"What's that playing in the background?" he asks.

She is snuggled up on the old couch in the cabin, in front of the television, while he is leaning back in his office chair, in front of his laptop.

"_Annie_," she replies, "The 1982 version, not the Disney one."

"Did you have dinner already?"

"I made a sandwich."

He tsks a little. "For the third day in a row? Aren't you getting tired of tuna melts?"

"Never," she replies staunchly.

"You want to know what _I_ had for dinner tonight?"

"No, not really."

"Lasagne with garlic bread and a yummy green salad," he answers as if she hadn't spoken.

"Did Alexis make it for you?"

"You know I'm a really good cook, right?"

"Oh, my favourite part is coming up," Kate says, switching her attention back to the movie.

"Is it the part where they sing 'You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile'?"

"That _would_ be your favourite part, Castle," she says with mirth.

"Okay, fine. What's yours, then?"

"'I Don't Need Anything But You'."

He knows that she's referring to the song, but it doesn't stop his heart from skipping a beat or two. "Why Detective," he teases, "I never expected you to like cheesy happy endings."

"Who doesn't like happy endings?" she replies.

He grins. "Who, indeed."

.

Two days later, he thinks about just driving up there and surprising her, but thinks better of it. He doesn't want to get shot, after all. Instead, he calls to tell her he's making a visit… while he's already driving up the pathway.

"It's too late, Kate," he says, pulling up to the cabin, "I'm already here."

"You're already—"

The front door opens and he steps out of the car, gives her a little wave and a giant smile. "I brought groceries!" He walks around to his trunk. "Thought we could make that lasagne."

She shakes her head at him but slips on some runners and steps out to help him with the bags. "You know I have food here, right?" she comments, after her second trip.

"Oh please," he scoffs, "You've been eating sandwiches for a week."

"What's wrong with sandwiches?"

"You're clearly _not_ an epicure."

He drops the last of the grocery bags onto the kitchen floor, rifling through them to pick out the ingredients that he needs before storing the rest in the fridge.

"I should have you over more often," Kate says, watching him from the dining table.

"You should," he shoots back, more serious than quippy.

Kate straightens up from the chair she had been leaning on and rolls up her sleeves. "Okay, Mr. Gourmet, what do you need me to do?"

In Kate's opinion, it takes way too long to make a lasagne from scratch even if the final result tastes _amazing_. "I don't know if it's worth it," she says to Castle.

"You're licking the bottom of your plate – metaphorically –" Castle is talking about the way Kate is scraping at the leftover sauce with her fork "—I'd say it was definitely worth it." He takes a sip of his water. "Time and patience."

"Excuse me?" She looks up at him.

"Anything truly worthwhile takes time and patience."

Suddenly they're not just talking about dinner anymore and Kate doesn't know what to say.

"You don't… I mean, we don't have to talk about this right now," Castle hedges.

She concentrates on dragging her fork across her plate. "We probably should, though, right? Talk about… us?"

"So, there is an 'us'?"

"Isn't there?" she looks at him, "It sure feels like there is."

"Really?" his eyes widen.

She lays her fork down with a clink. "Why do you look surprised?"

"Because—" he stutters "—before… when we fought, you said… you didn't want me."

"No." She shakes her head forcefully. "I never said I didn't want you. I was just—I _am_ so fucked up that I never wanted to drag you under with me. Castle, don't you understand? That distance… that wall? It's not to keep you out, it's to keep _me_out… from your life and your… your _happiness_. I said that we're different because you're—" she drops her hands onto her lap and wrings them together as if it's physically painful to continue "—_whole_ and I'm… broken."

"Kate…" he whispers, "…no…"

"—I know what you're going to say and it shouldn't be your job to put me back together, Castle. I don't want that for you."

"Shouldn't that be my choice?" he asks, stubbornly.

"It's not healthy," she says, "You'll end up hating me for it."

"I could never hate you, Kate." He says this with such conviction that Kate feels tears start to gather in her eyes.

"Look, Castle," she starts, holding up her hand to let him know not to interrupt her, "After the shooting and losing the… the baby and everything we went through this year – with my mom's case and nearly dying five times – I've… I'm going to regular therapy, now."

"You are?" he sounds relieved.

She nods. "I want to be better. For myself… for you. And, I mean, I know that we're already moving at glacial speed, but—"

"—Kate," he finally interrupts, unable to resist, "Stop worrying about who you have to be before you can let me love you, okay? Be better because you want that for yourself and stop thinking about steps and speeds and what we should or shouldn't be doing – couple or not. You're who I want, Kate. That's never changed and that _will_ never change."

He clasps both of his hands around both of hers. Their eyes connect and she feels nothing but adoration when she says, "You're who I want, too."

* * *

_A/N: Not as epic as the last chapter (sorry for leaving you guys on such a cliffhanger!) but there are a couple more chapters to go!_

_Please be so kind as to leave a review! :)_


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